


Ivan and Natalia's Magical Incest Adventures!

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Airplane Sex, Bestiality, F/M, Incest, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sibling Incest, Threesome - F/F/M, im so sorry, there is so much incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-28
Updated: 2013-06-11
Packaged: 2017-11-10 21:34:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Incest is disgusting and anyone who condones incest, whether fictional or real, is a very sick individual!"</p><p>Ivan and Natalia stage an elaborate prank on the other nations.</p><p>(An AU in which Belarus doesn't ACTUALLY want to marry Russia, and they have a healthy siblingly bond)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. incest is fucking incredible i don't know what you're talking about

It started when they were walking together to a market and an old lady mistook them for a couple. Laughing, Ivan commented that it would be quite amusing indeed if they were, in fact, married. But of course that would be extremely weird, since they had been raised together since they were very young. They could have been blood relatives. Perhaps they were. For matters of relation were fuzzy among people like them. And certainly they had originated from the same tribes, the same original peoples.

Natalia smiled sweetly. Ivan remembered why he had always stated that she was certainly the lovelier of his sisters. Katyusha was pretty too, but there was something stunning about Natasha's smile. You could go days without it and still dream of it before you went to bed. It was her smile that drove poor men like Toris mad.

"Oh, brother of mine, become my husband!" she exclaimed giddily as she clung mock-possessively to his arm. Her hands were tight around his arm, but loose enough to escape from easily if he had wanted to.

Ivan screamed, "Nooooooooo!" girlishly and ran away with his arms and legs flailing about. He did not move particularly quickly, and was putting on more of a show than anything else.

Natalia cried, "Marry me!" as she chased him around the square. Her hair got in her eyes, but its messiness had a certain charm to it.

After a few minutes of the chase, Natalia grabbed Ivan gently by the end of his scarf and pulled him to her. "Now..." she paused for dramatic effect, then continued with a low voice, "you are mine."

The two of them melted into giggles as the old lady looked on approvingly. Ah, young love was so sweet! She continued to peddle her wares with an approving smile.

Later, when walking back to Ivan's house, they decided that they would pull the same stunt next time they were around others of their kind. It certainly would be a hilarious prank on everyone else.

"Probably that oaf America will freak out about the... taboo... nature of the prank," said Natalia impishly, with a spring in her step.

Ivan continued, "Although he has legalized incest marriage in many of his inbred little states," and laughed deeply. "Judging by his southern region, he probably made incest mandatory!"

They then both chucked at America's rather silly marriage laws, ignoring the ones of their own. Ivan inwardly smiled. It was wonderful to see his sister happy like she was. She had been smiling less and less, but perhaps now she was going on a more exuberant path.

"You know, I think my boss has a crush on you or something! He keeps on trying to bring back all the old policies from when we were actually one," exclaimed Natalia, with a little bit of disbelief. "It's actually a little bit weird! I don't exactly like it, but I can't really do anything about it. Ugh," she continued, with a hint of disgust in her voice.

Ivan kept walking, and hummed an old folk tune instead of saying anything. He was sure everything would probably sort itself on its own, and he couldn't really control what went on in her country anyway.

"So, anyway, should Katya be in on this?" Natalia asked, changing the subject. Ivan's house became visible on the hill from where they walked. They would be home soon.

"Sure," stated Ivan noncommittally. "Why not? If she didn't know, she'd probably take it the wrong way and start crying about how the family's fallen apart, the poor dear." His older sister was such a crybaby! But it was endearing, and really rather cute. It felt like it should be ironic in some way that such a... mature... woman acted like such a child most of the time.

They both shared a good laugh about their older sister's hypothetical reaction.

By the time Katyusha opened the front door they were rosy-cheeked from laughter and the cold. Natalia poked at her brother and monotonously droned, "Let's get married... married... married..." then put a winter-chilled hand on her brother's shoulder.

As expected, while Ivan started babyishly weeping, Yekaterina's turquoise eyes watered up and her lower lip trembled.

"Natasha, what's gotten into youuuuuuuuuu?" she wailed as a fat tear threatened to drip down her face. The family that she had held together for so many years was riddled with... incest! The HORROR! She felt as if she were about to faint or start bawling. Maybe both.

Noticing his older sister on the verge of tears, Ivan ceased his crocodile tears, stopped pretending to flip the fuck out, and ran over to his sister. Well, "sister", but they were all practically family. They looked similar enough and had grown up together as family. "Katya, Katyusha, it was a joke! A silly prank! Of course we wouldn't be in incest together, because incest is disgusting and anyone who condones incest, whether fictional or real, is a very sick individual!"

Natalia interrupted rather untactfully, "Hey, incest is great!" and chuckled.

Not knowing who to believe, Katyusha began to sob from confusion. As he held his older sister in his large arms, Ivan glared icily at Natalia, who grinned lewdly back at him and stuck out her tongue.

After Natalia had been banished to a faraway room, Ivan sat down and explained the whole deal to his older sister. It took several false starts and reiterations of "I promise I would tell you if I actually liked someone!" and "No, I am not an incest!"

An hour passed. Katyusha, the Ukrainian personification of the Ukraine, grinned. Yes! She understood what was going on! Awesome! (She wasn't as knowledgeable about subterfuge as her siblings, having never needed to learn).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HA HA HA HA HA


	2. pip pip tally NO

About three days later, an informal meeting between the former Axis and Allies was held at America's place. There were probably going to be a lot of hamburgers and grease. An hour prior, Ivan and Natalia sat together on a park bench and plotted.

"Remember to act as crazy as possible. The others don't know you very well at all, so they might actually believe that you are legitimately insane," instructed Ivan.

Natalia nodded and pulled a dangerous-looking knife out from the belt of her dress. "I think that'll work," she said, and smiled a bit creepily.

Ivan started in his seat. "Where did you get that from, you crazy woman?" he cried out, maybe a bit too loudly, with complete shock.

"Costume store," Natasha stated bluntly. "Since it's not that dreadful diabetes holiday, it was on sale."

Ivan straightened his scarf like one would straighten a tie. Except you couldn't actually do that. So actually he just tugged on the ends a bit to try and make them even. "Well, I'll see you in about thirty minutes! Da svedaniya!" he called out as he walked through the park to America's house.

The "meeting" was, as expected, really more of a cookout. There were greasy hamburgers galore, sizzling and browning on their grills. Ivan decided not to eat any, for fear of getting a horrible case of the runs on his flight back. No, that wouldn't do at all. Instead, he pulled a large flask from his coat and took a great swig. Ah, vodka certainly did cleanse the body and soul! Look at how nice and clean (and empty!) his mind had already become!

"Yo Russia, you huge-ass Russkie," America yelled from across his backyard loudly, "Stop being a dick and eat one of my hamburgers!"

Ivan stumbled a little across the yard and put his nose up to America's forehead. "I do not have the huge ass! It is... it iszz... Pleasantly plump and vell-formed!" he retorted at America. Alcohol wafted off his breath, which could probably melt daisies.

America flinched a bit at Russia's closeness. This was getting pretty gay pretty fast. I mean, their faces were touching. Russia was talking about his fucking "pleasantly plump and well formed" ass! Jesus fuck. "Dude, Russia, chill. Are you drunk or something?"

Hmmm. Was he? Ivan distinctly remembered taking only one swig from the flask... a few minutes after he had drunk that bottle while walking through the park... about two hour after he had realized he'd gotten an extra case from the liquor store... Stupid American money. No way he was drunk. He could definitely hold his liquor. Way more than the Baltics, especially that Eduard, who was probably tripping balls and lying on the floor of his house babbling about Japan's desserts. Weirdo.

Speaking of weirdos, Ivan dully remembered something about his sister...? The pretty one? Oh yeah, she was going to come in and then they would... They would announce their secret engagement! Yeah, that was it.

Natalia hid in a bush. Nothing seemed to be happening, other than her brother and that dreadful blond guy with the stupid hair doinky thing having an argument like they always did. Quietly, she slid out of the bushes with her deadly looking prop knife between her teeth like a guerilla from the movies.

"Big brother..." her voice called out quietly and creepily. China whipped his head around fearfully. Was Korea here? Oh god no.

China's ponytail hit Ivan in the face, sobering him up for approximately three point nine seconds. Just enough time for him to remember the prank, and forget all about the stupid secret engagement thing.

"Marry me..." her voice called out from the shadows. The other nations had started to notice the decidedly creepy noises and had begun to look around with apprehension.

Ivan whispered to America, "Amerika, I think my crazy sister is here..." and trembled visibly.

America stared at him unblinkingly for approximately one minute, two seconds, and three microseconds. "What."

Just then, Natalia burst out of the bushes like a wildcat and latched herself onto her older brother like a kraken from the deep! "Let's get marriedmarriedmarriedmarried..." she whispered in his ear, her chant-like mantra getting louder and louder with every repetition of "married" until it reached an unattractive almost-scream.

Ivan winced. Crocodile tears streamed down his face. "Belarus nooooooooo!" he whimpered with (false) terror. It felt so weird calling his sister by her nation's name. It felt wrong, like somehow the formality of the words put up a wall between them. Bizarre. He continued, "Belarus, incest is gross! Stop it!"

His sister remained tenacious as ever, and put the incredibly dull and non-dangerous yet dangerous-looking knife to his jaw. "Marry me now, brother, and this can all be over soon." Somehow, evil shadows had worked their way under her pretty eyes, marring and perverting them.

"BOLLOCKS TEA CRUMPET FUCKWHISTLES PIP PIP" screamed England with consternation. His eyes protruded at the scene. Hot damn he did not want to admit that the whole scene was making him... Moist. He decided to leave the scene quietly and tactfully before his thoughts wandered to memories of giving his sweet adopted "little brother" bubbly baths with cute little bath toys. However, his mouth had not received the memo, and he continued to yell, "BLOODY FUCKNOZZLES BATHTIME RUDYPOO IGGY POP" as he leapt nimbly and elfishly through a bush.

Natalia slithered around Ivan's body like a serpent and stared deeply into his violet eyes. Others always commented on their coldness, but when she looked into them she saw only warmth. His eyes were like semiprecious gems that glittered in the snow and gave off heat to the clever, weary travelers who struck them together. Even as her lips formed the words "Marry me, Russia," she could feel her heart actually aching and longing towards his beating, detachable heart.

This was not part of the plan. But it was too late to abort. Quietly, she prayed that her heart would remain intact after this ordeal.

Ivan drunkly gazed into his sister's eyes. (Was she his sister? Was she? They were close enough.) He remembered the part that they hadn't rehearsed but had planned together to maximize the shock value. An kiss on the cheek was innocent enough to deliver them from damnation, but unchaste enough given the context to freak the fuck out of the others.

Natalia closed her eyes and slowly leaned her face to the left side of Ivan's face. Ivan tried his hardest to remain as still as possible and plaster a fake-looking grin of horror on his face when-

"Dude what the actual fuck is going on? Just hit her with your pipe if you want that bitch off of you!" piped in a loud and obnoxious and very American voice to Ivan's left.

Ivan turned his head around to angrily retort something about how he couldn't hit his sister and how dare you call her a bitch you little ass faced whore you can't just hang noodles from his ears and think you can get away with it because that's just not how Russia roll bitch, when-

Natalia's prop knife clattered to the ground when her puckered lips made contact with something that was definitely NOT her older brother's cheek. Oh god no shit fuck this was not as planned might as well go with it. Her fingers shook with horror and fear and clenched around Ivan's arms as she opened her mouth a bit and slipped her older brother the tongue.

The other nations looked on with horror, and a little bit of jealousy, as the horrific scene unfolded.

France stroked his stubble and entered a world full of new possibilities. Possibilities for beautiful threesomes.

England had been gone for quite a while. At the moment that Ivan and Natalia locked lips, he was halfway to the airport. A few minutes later, he realized that he had left his stuff at America's, cursed loudly, and drove back on the wrong side of the road.

Germany clutched a twig to his chest and quietly murmured, "Herr Schtick, everything will be okay..."

Japan's nose started to bleed. This was because a few seconds prior, he had tried to cover his eyes with such force that his palm had slammed into the bridge of his nose, cracking a tiny chunk off of the bone.

America's face contorted itself into an expression of pure horror, dismay, shock, and revulsion. He formed a little cross with his fingers and backed away slowly. Incest was gross man, even if he had legalized it in a bunch of his states.

A single tear slid down China's face. Whether it was one of joy or sorrow shall never be known.

Italy slept and dreamed of a world where the earth was made of spaghetti and tomato sauce, and the rivers ran with quality espresso.

Russia accidentally a massive boner.

After what felt like an hour, but was actually just about a minute, Natalia and Ivan's lips parted, a single thread of saliva still connecting them. Both parties were visibly disturbed, though Ivan had taken on a more red hue to his face, contrasting the rather greenish tint to Natalia's.

Natalia took ten seconds to regain her composure, then nearly lost it again when she felt... something... poking at her as she slid off of her brother's body. "Brother, nooo, you can't have the husband bulge yet!" she cried out, making everyone in the vicinity nine thousand and one times more uncomfortable, "You have to wait until the wedding night for that!"

Ivan put a hand on her shoulder and childishly asked, "Belarus, it's time for you to go, isn't it?" A dark aura summoned itself around him.

Natalia grabbed her fake knife and sped off. Success!

Once Natasha had run off, Ivan found himself bombarded by questions. "Is she always like that?" "How do you live in the same house with that crazy hoe?" "Have you ever considered a threesome?" "Dude how the fuck did you get a boner from that?" "Why didn't you just rap her over the head with your massive pipe to get her to get off of you?" "Aiyaah, incest is nicest!"

It was thoroughly uncomfortable. But the prank had been a success!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALCOHOL IS BAD FOR YOU DONT DRINK IT OR ELSE YOU WILL BECOME AN INCEST


	3. if you thought they weren't gonna fuck im so fucking sorry

Eventually everyone left, and Ivan met Natalia at the airport. The flight back to Russia was uncrowded and they managed to basically get an entire first class to themselves. An oligarch snored a few rows up among the empty seats. Ivan and Natalia high-fived.

"Great job! They really lost their shit!" exclaimed Russia, quieting down as an afterthought so as not to wake the one other guy in their flight compartment. The grin on his face was genuine and ridiculously exuberant.

"I apologize for the kiss," apologized Natalia. That was a pretty serious fuck up. And she hated how she knew that if she was ever given the chance, she probably would do it again.

Ivan blushed and hastily said, "It'sokayitwasactuallysortofniceformeanyway" His fingers loosened the scarf around his neck.

"What did you say? I didn't quite catch that," asked Natalia. Sometimes her brother (and he was her brother, their people had the same root and their people lived together during times of old, and they shared the same sister. There was no denying that Katya was their sister. There was simply too much common blood between the three of them, bonded through the sands of time.) was such a mumbler!

Ivan clutched his scarf like an old-fashioned lady would clutch a rope of pearls and clarified, "I've... never been kissed like that before... and it was..." He placed a hand on his cheek, which felt like it was probably going to burst into flames from how much he was blushing, then continued, "Nice." God, what was he even doing? He was flirting with his sister! And it wasn't even part of the joke anymore, because NOBODY ELSE WAS AROUND!

Natalia chuckled ruefully, "I noticed," and remembered the "husband bulge" with a snicker.

Ivan turned away and bashfully said, "If you... want... We could try again to just see if the nice was a one-time deal? And then you could become one with me?" Looking at Natalia's stunned expression, he backpedaled, "Uh, only if you want that!! I mean incest is still really fucking nasty and I'll be waiting in the bathroom if you want to do anything bye."

He then positively sprinted into the airplane restroom, but left the door unlocked and the light as "vacant".

About a minute later, the restroom door opened again and Natalia slid in quietly, unnoticed by the flight personnel and sleeping oil baron. "We're doing this. We're making this happen.," she said with a lusty smile.

Ivan closed the lid to the airplane toilet and thanked a higher deity that airplane engines made so much noise. Nobody would hear them.

Natalia reached a slender hand up to Ivan's jaw and pulled him down to her parted lips. This time, their kisses were planned rather than unexpected, hungry rather than disgusted, and highly consensual.

The tip of Natalia's tongue traced circles around Ivan's as he tried to shove his entire tongue into her mouth. The powerful muscle rippled with contractions and tightenings as he tried to find the best way to get their mouths to interlock. It was almost as if their tongues were wrestling with one another; Ivan tried to use brute force to his advantage while Natalia used quick, fluid, light movements to elicit the most response.

Ivan started to unbutton his sister's collar as he leaned into her. Natalia's back uncomfortably pressed into the corner of the bathroom sink counter, and she squirmed against Ivan in an effort to find a more comfortable, less jabbing position. Tiny noises of discomfort escaped her lips, locked as they were against her brother's.

The friction of Natalia's wriggling body against his own combined with the vibrations of the plane served only to increase Ivan's arousal and frustration at the maddening tightness of his pants. He became confronted by a dilemma: did he wait for Natasha to take the hint and relieve the pressure while he slipped a hand into her now-fully unbuttoned shirt or did he undo his pants himself? The friction and pressure grew ever-increasingly unbearable, and he moved his free hand down toward his zipper just as Natalia wrapped her legs like a vise around his hips, rendering his crotch completely inaccessible to hands and providing even more stimulation.

His erection rendered untouchable, Ivan slightly dejectedly took the first option, and was rewarded by the deliciously terrible sensation of his sister's soft breast held like dough in his hand. There was no way he was sober to be doing this. Because incest was gross... So wrong... 

So... Why did he not feel an ounce of regret or disgust at doing this horrid, shameful act in the fetid bathroom of a transatlantic flight? Perhaps it was the alcohol. It certainly could cause poor decisions. And he hadn't become one with anyone in years. 

The last woman who had laid with him was centuries ago, during the age of enlightened despots. She had covered his mouth with her hand as her long black hair pooled on his chest. And their son looked enough like the man who was supposed to be the father that the rumors only started after the czar's death.

Maybe the reason why he could pretend that he was still as normal as he had been the day before was because he could still pretend the beautiful girl whose breath escaped in little gasps, whose voice whispered "Vanya, Vanya, pozhaluista" in his ear once their lips broke apart, whose delicate spindling fingers found their way to his zipper and slowly, so slowly, pulled their way downwards was not his sister. He could cling to how they were just raised together, how blood didn't even mean anything to them when siblings lived hundreds of years apart, how if he didn't pull out she wouldn't conceive. Each of these tiny, meaningless reassurances crawled their way into his head and soothed his conscience as he roughly suckled on his little sister's (she was his sister she was not his sister he was going to a special hell) lower lip, making her moan quietly and grind against his now finally, oh god yes finally, unrestrained husband bulge.

His hands seemed almost too big as they fumbled to pull Natalia's panties, now soaked with their combined arousals, off. Her labia parted like a blooming flower unfurled in the morning, with a thin string of her lubricant stretched across like the morning dew, and clumsily, he shifted a bit and

He was fucking in.

It took all of Ivan's concentration to not come right then and there. His sister was so warm and so tight and, god, bog, she was wet. Her arousal quietly reassured him that he wasn't a completely awful human being. Yet.

Three vigorous thrusts later,  he grunted rather unattractively and released disgracefully inside of his sister.

"Was that really all?" Natalia asked with a bit of disappointment and disdain, her blouse unbuttoned and semen dripping from within her onto the airplane bathroom's counter. "Really?" She rested her head in her hands and uncomfortably shifted around on the soiled, foul, probably feces-splattered bathroom surface.

Ivan smiled nervously. "I haven't really fucked anyone in a while..." he trailed off, her gaze showing no signs of mollifying anytime soon. "I can make it up to you, yes?" he stumbled over his words, tapping his fingers together uncomfortably. This had been such an awful, awful mistake. He was an utter fuck-up. He was... An incest.

Forty thoroughly uncomfortable seconds later, he evacuated the bathroom. The oil baron, who was inconsequentially named Tony, raised one knowing eyebrow at him, then went back to reading his in-flight catalogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god
> 
> i can't into pornography


	4. im too meta for my shirt, too meta for my shirt, so meta it hurts

Still in the rank and disgusting lavatory, Natalia stared at herself in the mirror and looked at her life, looked at her choices. A disheveled girl with messy light brown hair and an opened, rumpled blouse stared back at her. God, she was a fucked up individual. As she brushed her hair with her fingers and rebuttoned her shirt, she silently berated herself. What did she think would come of this? What had she become? Natalia the desperate loser, Natalia the incest freak, Natalia the girl who became exactly what she had been mocking just hours previously.

She had foolishly thought that maybe his interest in her could form something more. He had been surprisingly pleasant to kiss at the dreadful cookout, back when everything was just pretending and games. Ugh. His kiss equally disgusted and thrilled her.

She was wrong to like this.

Meanwhile, Ivan was high-fiving himself. Fuck incest feelings and regrets and all that shit! He had grabbed another crate of sweet, delicious vodka from his carry-on (he had stared menacingly at the TSA official at the airport) and had become completely shitfaced. And fuck yes, he had scored with a hot chick! Nevermind that she was his sister and he had come inside her and they were gonna probably have mutant two-headed incest babies, (could nations even have kids with other nations?) he had fucked a sexy girl for approximately 13.8 seconds! Fuck yeah. He swung his right arm to meet his left hand, missed, and positively threw himself at the airplane window. 

A flight attendant stared disapprovingly at the idiotic scene, and decided to eat the airline peanuts she was going to offer him. Fucking weirdo. Were all people who rode first class like this?

Natalia emerged from the bathroom more beautiful than  a radiant phoenix risen from the ashes of her dignity. She slammed the flimsy airplane tray down and muttered irately, "I need a fucking drink." Ivan handed her a bottle of only the finest cheap vodka, and she chugged it down like water, only to start hacking and coughing violently. "How... The FUCK do you drink this?" she sputtered.

Ivan shrugged and reclined in his ridiculously comfy seat. 

Tony, the oil baron, turned around to figure out the source of the sudden outburst, then resumed his browsing of the SkyMall catalog for a suitable gift for his American granddaughter. She had really liked the felt hat and incredibly tacky t-shirt with "ROSSIYA" and the Czarist crest emblazoned on it, (Author's note: I really fucking love that shirt. Grandpa Tony, you are the best grandpa ever and I hope you never read this story) so he had decided to try and find other Russian paraphernalia for that sweet, Russophilic young lady (who was completely pure of heart and not perverted and corrupted in any way NO SIREE).

But this is not the story of cockrockets's grandfather who is a real dude who is actually seriously a Russian oil baron.

Eventually, after a long and uncomfortable silence, the weary and long-suffering flight attendant walked past and monotonously said, "Please fasten your seat belts, we are entering the landing sequence." as she silently calculated the odds of her being able to successfully grab and make off with one of the numerous bottles of cheap and disgusting vodka that was strewn about that weirdo couple's area. Ugh, she just KNEW that they had been fucking in that bathroom over there too. Didn't people read the RURUS that were so plainly put in sight in their airplane bathrooms? Seriously, the words "please don't have sex here" we're emblazoned on a little sign on the outside of the bathrooms! Now she was going to have to wipe semen and god knows what else off of the various surfaces of the already completely disgusting bathroom. She really hated her job sometimes.

The airplane landed uneventfully. Ivan and Natalia exited the airport, leaving a massive trail of empty bottles in their wake for numerous flight and airport staff to wring their sleeves at and curse their respective gods over. "So, now what do we do?" asked Natalia contemplatively.

"We could always try again," replied Ivan cheerfully. "Or we could always just try to forget the whole thing." Of course he knew he would never forget this day. How could one ever forget briefly fucking their blood relative in a moving airplane? Just the memory of the short encounter brought blood to his cock, which twitched and hardened like he was a seventeen-year-old boy whose girlfriend was whispering Nic Cage quotes in his ear.

"That was the plan," the imaginary girlfriend whispered sensuously as he tried to walk quicker through the public streets, "to give you a boner."

Natalia looked at Ivan's face, which had become unattractively distorted by concentration.

Quietly, the invisible girlfriend, who was not named cockrockets, screamed "AND YOU GOT ONE" as the words you were reading grew more and more meta and the cuils went off the scale.

He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I do this every time I write a story


	5. horses and video games

Katyusha felt a slight disturbance in the force as her two younger siblings approached their, for now, shared home. Although she often did not know what was "up", she did have a slight ability to sense when something was horribly, awfully wrong with her beloved family.

And something was most definitely wrong.

Like that of a rabbit's, her nose twitched. Was that... Boner sweat she could smell? Quickly, she searched through her mind to see if anyone was due to come over. Gilbert, the only person who consistently reeked of Cheetos and bonersweat that she knew, hadn't dropped her a call in a week. So the foul scent wasn't him.

Who could it be? It was truly one of the great mysteries for the ages, akin to the mystery of who shot the American president, Lincoln. Mysterious.

As she mused, Ivan and Natalia opened the door, smelling of airplane and... Was that the foul reek of boner sweat marinated in rank vagina nectar and watery cum? My god. No. It couldn't be. Were they keeping a secret from her?

No, they were family, and family didn't keep secrets.

"Oh, Natalia, Ivan, how was your trip to America?" Katyusha asked nervously. She had really wanted to ask, "Oh, Natasha, Vanushka, have you been having disturbing and awful incestuous sex within the last three hours?" But one does not simply ask if someone is an incest. That was just not a thing that was DONE.

Even if she hadn't been the sharpest of her siblings, she would always understand the social repercussions for accusing her delightfully depraved and possibly mentally challenged siblings of engaging in an incestuous relationship. Those repercussions were not good, in any way, shape, form, or color.

Lost in thought, she rested her head against the doorway as her two younger siblings traipsed past her drunkenly. Family was hard and nobody understood.

Maybe she could, like, just listen in on them for a little bit to make sure that her absolutely awful, unfounded, depraved aspersions upon her siblings' possible incestuous relationship were just that. Awful and entirely unfounded. She was sure that if she just eavesdropped a little, her guilty conscience would be soothed. It was much better to be a suspicious and nosy sister than to be... well... An accessory to incest! Which she was sure was a federal crime in at least one country.

Quietly and subtly as a dainty little bunny holding a gas-powered chainsaw and sawing bricks in half, Katyusha tiptoed after her two younger siblings to Ivan's room, henceforth referred to as "The Sunflower Fungeon" at Ivan's drunkenly gracious request.

Of course, somebody saw through her ruse. Perhaps sitting by an open door with her ear pressed to the thin wall was not the most stealthy approach she could have thought of. Especially when the ones she was supposed to eavesdrop upon were still outside the room.

"Hey, Katya, why are you just sitting there like that? Come on in! There is more than enough room on my bed!" exclaimed Ivan as he held the door to The Sunflower Fungeon open for Natalia, who skipped in with the grace of a woman who had not had an orgasm for years and years on end. Because she had not. That woman was her.

As Katyusha entered The Sunflower Fungeon, she suddenly remembered why she never went in Ivan's room. There were hundreds of crudely drawn sunflowers littering the walls; they were dated from 2004 to 2012. Empty vodka bottles lay in disorderly piles around the bed, which was sparse and stained with a yellowish hue from Ivan's many lonely days and nights spent whacking the meat pole to depraved Internet pornography. It wasn't even the really fucking sexy kind, like BDSM or something else maknstream and acceptably kinky thank you based E L James. No, this was the full deal; Ivan's HDD was cluttered with corrupted video files of Japanese beauties stuffing eels up their plump asses and Lithuanian ladies "taking the stallion," as it may be called. This was because they were having sex with male horses. They were actually boning horses. Like Catherine the Great tier horse boning. For many past nights, Katyusha had had to pull her threadbare, "downy" comforter over her head to muffle the assorted neighs and feminine moans that came from her brother's cheap-ass laptop speakers in order to sleep at all.

The orgiastic whinny of a Shetland pony will stay in your head until the day you die. 

Suddenly, she wished that she had been blessed by less curiosity. Nothing good would come of this. Ever. Oh god, oh bog, oh boy.

As she sat on the stained bedcovers, Katyusha tried to look anywhere but at her siblings as she said, "Hey, brother and sister mine, we haven't really had any time to have some fun family bondage--" Oh shit. Fuck. No. She'd been thinking about bondage earlier. That was certainly the only reason why she'd make that horrendous slip of the tongue. Not because she was thinking about intricately tying up dear, precious, untainted, pure Natalia, leaving her blindfolded and pliable to her every whim, giving both the carrot and the stick, tight latex hugging her curves. "Family bonding," she smoothly saved, "And I was just thinking, we should all do something together!"

Faced with silence, she realized that her face was getting a little flushed. "Wouldn't that be nice?"

It turned out that Ivan and Natalia had been chatting with each other pleasantly while she had been lost in her own BDSM-filled reverie. That certainly was embarrassing. She wondered what exactly the topic of that that strange and curious twosome's conversation had been.

Ivan sighed with relief. Verily, he was glad that Katyusha had sort of spaced out after being all weird and flaky like she always way. Otherwise she would have heard the utterly scandalous things he had said to his dear younger sister! Ohoho! SCANDAL.

Their conversation had transpired as such:

"Natalia, Mass Effect is a hell of a game. I've beat it twice."

"Mass Effect is a piece of shit I only play games developed by Bethesda. Dovahkiin master race, bratta."

"Uh, let me explain you a thing, syestra. I will fucking destroy you if you say anything else bad about my favorite video game."

"Oh yeah? Well asari are shitty blue lesbian space aliens and I'll destroy your ASS!"

"Yeah, with what? Your teensy girl fingers?"

"No, with THIS!"

And then Natalia pulled out a dusty, cobweb-and-butt-lube-encrusted deep dark blue Chance the Stallion from the abyss beneath Ivan's bed and threw it violently on the stained bedspread.

Katyusha looked around innocently. Her eyes flicked towards a large dark blue object, then darted back to her knees. What had that strange thing been? Maybe an old lunch that she'd given to darling Vanya? A folded up sweater? A hunk of old cheese?

Unnoticed, she bent over to pick it up, H-cup breasts smothering her darling brother. While Ivan's face turned blue from suffocation and Natalia's face turned purple from unknown reasons (her face was making the funniest contortions), Katyusha's fingers curled around the--

OH JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN THAT WAS A DILDO. A MASSIVE, HORSE DONG SHAPED DILDO. A DILDO THAT HAD MOST DEFINITELY GONE IN HER SWEET DARLING NOT VERY INNOCENT BABY BROTHER'S BUTT. OH GOD THAT THING HAD TO BE LIKE TWENTY INCHES LONG. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO--

Poor, long-suffering Katyusha passed out, pitching face-forward onto the oddly sticky and filth-covered Chance. She hadn't had the time or mental facilities to truly wonder exactly why that dildo was indented in Ivan's cover, but knowing his poorly-kept secret horse fetish, she didn't need to think too hard.

The better question, that didn't even cross her mind, was:

Why was it there now of all times?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i havent written anything of merit in a year


End file.
